How To: Survive The Zom-Pocalypse. Step One.

Unless you have been living as a hermit in sub-Saharan Africa I’m pretty sure you’ve noticed that Zombies are pretty big right now, they’ve infiltrated every form of media from games, to TV, to Film, there is even zombierotica if that’s your bag. With the inevitability of some clandestine government agency somewhere developing a zombie virus and accidentally releasing it (If Conspiracy Watch are to be believed) I think it’s pretty wise to start coming up with a plan to guide you through the zom-pocalypse.

If you aren’t me and you haven’t been planning for years what you you’ll be doing should the undead decide to start busting down your door looking for brains, feel free to use this plan as a basis for your own zom-pocalypse survival guide.
First things first, you need to assess your situation, this is mine:

• I live in a city.
• My house is a terraced house with easy access from the front and the back due to low walls.
• There are lots of danger hotspots close to me, those being, Schools, Supermarkets, Doctors Surgeries and Churches (I’ll explain these later)
• I don’t own or know how to drive a car.
• Being in the UK, weapons are VERY hard to come by.
• I have no stockpiles of food, only having what is in my fridge (mostly because I am not mental)
• Most of my friends and Family live at least a 2 hour drive away.
• I only have the most basic of medical supplies.

Next you need to decide who you would like to spend the apocalypse with, my list includes.

  • My Kids.
  • The Mrs.
  • My friends from back home.

Now you must decide how close the danger is, just like a car doesn’t go from 0-100 in 0.1 seconds, a zom-pocalypse doesn’t go from ‘They’re coming to get you Barbara’ to Land of the Dead straight away, in my experience it takes about 28 Days. So unless the government is stifling the media, you can be pretty sure that you will begin to see headlines like, ‘Escaped Mental Patients Bite Public’, or ‘Random Acts of Cannibalism In Yorkshire’, or ’Angry Mobs Attack Homeless’.

When you start seeing these, don’t go into full-scale survival mode, nobody is suggesting you turn into Rambo here,

but it might be an idea to stock up on batteries, food, water, bottles, medical supplies, a sturdy weapon (do not walk around with the weapon, this will only get you arrested and you REALLY don’t want to be locked in a police cell at the beginning of a zombie outbreak, think about it, if a policeman catches a zombie trying to rip off a guy’s face, where’s the first place he will take it?), and petrol for your car.

If however you have got the legion of the damned shuffling through the streets where you live, then you must take this a step further and begin to pro-actively take the steps you need to take to avoid becoming part of the horde.

Step One. It’s All Me Me Me.

In order to help anyone out, you need to be in a position to help yourself first, if you have any injuries, you need to address them, if you haven’t got a weapon, you need to find one, if you have no access to shelter, food or water you need to find it.

As this is my plan, I am going to tell you how I imagine this happening to me, and what I plan to do about it. I will most likely be at home when the outbreak begins, if not, I will be at work or down the pub (in that order), either way I need to head home so I will start by assuming that I am at work.

• Get a weapon! Anything will do in the first 24 hours, just so long as it’s reasonably sturdy, it won’t take more than one hit to take out a zombies brain, and most importantly, you must have the skill to wield it. For me, firearms are a no-no, I would probably do more damage to myself than a zombie, I don’t know how to use one safely, reload, or maintain a gun of any type. So next on the list is hand-held weapons, I could use a sword if pushed, but most swords on the market are reproductions and wouldn’t last more than 10 minutes when tested, so personally, I would look for a bludgeon, a small knife, or a screwdriver. At this stage of the plan, you will be trying to avoid ALL confrontation so something small is ideal, not only is it easy to use but it doesn’t make you FEEL safe. This may seem counter-intuitive, but research has shown that the safer you feel, the more risks you take, and you do NOT want to be taking risks at this stage.

• Camouflage. Like I said regarding weapons, you are trying to avoid confrontation, and the easiest way to do that is to make use of camouflage. I’m not saying go out and cover yourself in sticks and leaves, but if you are wearing a bright pink cat suit you might want to think about acquiring some more earthy tones if possible. You may think that jet black would be a good clothing option, but black rarely occurs naturally, you are best off with dark browns, greens, and blues.

• Get home. Nobody knows your house like you do; you know the strongest parts, the weaknesses, and the area around it. It’s also the first place your family are likely to go, as you travel home you want to keep quiet and low, avoid using a car if you can help it (these are noisy, get stuck easily, and are a rolling advertisement to robbers and zombies alike). Avoid using busy roads; avoid hospitals, police stations, doctor’s surgeries, supermarkets, schools, or anywhere where you might find large groups of people. Once you are home, regardless of who else is there, collect all the food you can, bottle as much water as possible, and collect ALL of your medical supplies then take it all upstairs, once this is done, block/destroy your staircase DO NOT USE FIRE TO DO THIS!!! Once you have secured yourself upstairs, it is very important NOT to attract ANY attention to yourself, so if you see poor old Mrs Jones from two doors down getting mauled by the undead, DO NOT start shouting from your windows. It won’t help her and all the hard work you’ve put into providing a modicum of safety will be destroyed, you need to pick your battles, and you vs ‘a world turning to hell’ is not a battle you can win.

Once you have secured:
• A weapon.
• Shelter.
• Water.
• Food.
• Medical supplies.

Then you are in a position to help other people, hopefully your family will be with you in the first floor of your house, if not then you will need to go out and find (them depending on your situation). As my kids haven’t even started school yet, I will need to go get them, however if yours are in their teens, then they will more than likely return home by themselves.

You should now be prepared to face down the first 24hrs of the zom-pocalypse, keep your eyes peeled for Step 2.


Have you got you’re own plan for survival? I’d love to see it, leave a comment with a link and I’ll be sure to check it out.

And remember. Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

9 thoughts on “How To: Survive The Zom-Pocalypse. Step One.

    • I really like your blog bud, have you read Day By Day Armageddon? It’s a similar premise, If you happen to stumble upon a a book shop that isn’t too over-run with the undead try and score a copy.


  1. I have to admit that I would be a complete mess. I hate Zombie movies, Zombie anything. When it comes to a weapon it has to be fired from a distance. In the US at least I could get a gun. Though I wouldn’t want any innocent bystanders around when I fire it. I think of bow and arrow. Although my husband says he would just blow things up. I have no where to go in this house. Too accessible. Uggghhh!!! I hate thinking about this. SO, chickening out, Fun post though.


    • To be honest, I think I would end up crying in a corner like a little girl lol, Zombie movies scare the s**t out of me. But that’s why I love them, the way I see it, there isn’t much point in watching a horror movie if you aren’t scared…
      PS, Bow and Arrow/Crossbow is the way forward, no noise, light weight, and if you are talented enough you can make your own ammo for them…
      PPS. In step 2 I’ll be leaving my house, my house is not safe enough to last through a seige, its just somewhere to hunker down for the first 24-72 hours.


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