How To: Survive The Zom-Pocalypse. Step One.

Unless you have been living as a hermit in sub-Saharan Africa I’m pretty sure you’ve noticed that Zombies are pretty big right now, they’ve infiltrated every form of media from games, to TV, to Film, there is even zombierotica if that’s your bag. With the inevitability of some clandestine government agency somewhere developing a zombie virus and accidentally releasing it (If Conspiracy Watch are to be believed) I think it’s pretty wise to start coming up with a plan to guide you through the zom-pocalypse.

If you aren’t me and you haven’t been planning for years what you you’ll be doing should the undead decide to start busting down your door looking for brains, feel free to use this plan as a basis for your own zom-pocalypse survival guide.
First things first, you need to assess your situation, this is mine:

• I live in a city.
• My house is a terraced house with easy access from the front and the back due to low walls.
• There are lots of danger hotspots close to me, those being, Schools, Supermarkets, Doctors Surgeries and Churches (I’ll explain these later)
• I don’t own or know how to drive a car.
• Being in the UK, weapons are VERY hard to come by.
• I have no stockpiles of food, only having what is in my fridge (mostly because I am not mental)
• Most of my friends and Family live at least a 2 hour drive away.
• I only have the most basic of medical supplies.

Next you need to decide who you would like to spend the apocalypse with, my list includes.

  • My Kids.
  • The Mrs.
  • My friends from back home.

Now you must decide how close the danger is, just like a car doesn’t go from 0-100 in 0.1 seconds, a zom-pocalypse doesn’t go from ‘They’re coming to get you Barbara’ to Land of the Dead straight away, in my experience it takes about 28 Days. So unless the government is stifling the media, you can be pretty sure that you will begin to see headlines like, ‘Escaped Mental Patients Bite Public’, or ‘Random Acts of Cannibalism In Yorkshire’, or ’Angry Mobs Attack Homeless’.

When you start seeing these, don’t go into full-scale survival mode, nobody is suggesting you turn into Rambo here,

but it might be an idea to stock up on batteries, food, water, bottles, medical supplies, a sturdy weapon (do not walk around with the weapon, this will only get you arrested and you REALLY don’t want to be locked in a police cell at the beginning of a zombie outbreak, think about it, if a policeman catches a zombie trying to rip off a guy’s face, where’s the first place he will take it?), and petrol for your car.

If however you have got the legion of the damned shuffling through the streets where you live, then you must take this a step further and begin to pro-actively take the steps you need to take to avoid becoming part of the horde.

Step One. It’s All Me Me Me.

In order to help anyone out, you need to be in a position to help yourself first, if you have any injuries, you need to address them, if you haven’t got a weapon, you need to find one, if you have no access to shelter, food or water you need to find it.

As this is my plan, I am going to tell you how I imagine this happening to me, and what I plan to do about it. I will most likely be at home when the outbreak begins, if not, I will be at work or down the pub (in that order), either way I need to head home so I will start by assuming that I am at work.

• Get a weapon! Anything will do in the first 24 hours, just so long as it’s reasonably sturdy, it won’t take more than one hit to take out a zombies brain, and most importantly, you must have the skill to wield it. For me, firearms are a no-no, I would probably do more damage to myself than a zombie, I don’t know how to use one safely, reload, or maintain a gun of any type. So next on the list is hand-held weapons, I could use a sword if pushed, but most swords on the market are reproductions and wouldn’t last more than 10 minutes when tested, so personally, I would look for a bludgeon, a small knife, or a screwdriver. At this stage of the plan, you will be trying to avoid ALL confrontation so something small is ideal, not only is it easy to use but it doesn’t make you FEEL safe. This may seem counter-intuitive, but research has shown that the safer you feel, the more risks you take, and you do NOT want to be taking risks at this stage.

• Camouflage. Like I said regarding weapons, you are trying to avoid confrontation, and the easiest way to do that is to make use of camouflage. I’m not saying go out and cover yourself in sticks and leaves, but if you are wearing a bright pink cat suit you might want to think about acquiring some more earthy tones if possible. You may think that jet black would be a good clothing option, but black rarely occurs naturally, you are best off with dark browns, greens, and blues.

• Get home. Nobody knows your house like you do; you know the strongest parts, the weaknesses, and the area around it. It’s also the first place your family are likely to go, as you travel home you want to keep quiet and low, avoid using a car if you can help it (these are noisy, get stuck easily, and are a rolling advertisement to robbers and zombies alike). Avoid using busy roads; avoid hospitals, police stations, doctor’s surgeries, supermarkets, schools, or anywhere where you might find large groups of people. Once you are home, regardless of who else is there, collect all the food you can, bottle as much water as possible, and collect ALL of your medical supplies then take it all upstairs, once this is done, block/destroy your staircase DO NOT USE FIRE TO DO THIS!!! Once you have secured yourself upstairs, it is very important NOT to attract ANY attention to yourself, so if you see poor old Mrs Jones from two doors down getting mauled by the undead, DO NOT start shouting from your windows. It won’t help her and all the hard work you’ve put into providing a modicum of safety will be destroyed, you need to pick your battles, and you vs ‘a world turning to hell’ is not a battle you can win.

Once you have secured:
• A weapon.
• Shelter.
• Water.
• Food.
• Medical supplies.

Then you are in a position to help other people, hopefully your family will be with you in the first floor of your house, if not then you will need to go out and find (them depending on your situation). As my kids haven’t even started school yet, I will need to go get them, however if yours are in their teens, then they will more than likely return home by themselves.

You should now be prepared to face down the first 24hrs of the zom-pocalypse, keep your eyes peeled for Step 2.

 

Have you got you’re own plan for survival? I’d love to see it, leave a comment with a link and I’ll be sure to check it out.

And remember. Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

How to: Make 4 Litres Of Booze For Under A Fiver Using No Equipment!

So as I’m sure (most) of you wonderful people are aware, I am doing the Blogging 101 challenge, and today’s assignment is to post something I usually wouldn’t. So I thought to myself ‘What the hell can I possibly post that I don’t already do?’ I can cook up a half-decent Chilli, but I haven’t used a recipe book, in, ever, so I have no hope in hell of creating one for you guys.
I could post some of my stories, but, I’m very self-conscious about that stuff, so I’m not ready to thrust those into the ether.
So, I poured myself a mug of homebrew, and ‘ding’ went the light bulb above my head.

So here it is, my ‘how to guide’ for making dirt cheap booze with NO equipment.

**Just a little disclaimer, before doing this you need to check the legality of home brewing alcohol in your country, if it’s banned by law where you live please don’t continue reading. Also, although I will give you my methods for filtering nasties from your brew, I can’t guarantee that this method is 100% effective, all I can say is that I haven’t experienced any problems, but that is not to say that you won’t.

One last very important point, there is always an issue regarding home brewing, that being, your alcohol intake can exceed medically recommended levels quite easily, if you feel that you are drinking too much or for the wrong reasons then please go to this website or speak to a doctor to find out what you can do to regain control. Trust me when I say that there is NO shame in it!**

Right, now that’s done, here is what you will need.

  • 5 Ltr bottle of water – £1.10
  • 2 Ltrs Juice (Whatever flavour you want, personally I like Berry 5 Alive the best, whatever you use, make sure the juice has NO preservatives in it as this will kill the yeast.) – £2
  • 500g Sugar (500g will make approx 7% strength alcohol, for a higher percentage use 1 kg which will make approx 20%) – £0.65
  • Wine Yeast + Nutrients to make 5 Ltrs (Can be bought from your local homebrew shop/Wilkinsons) – £1.20
  • Cordial – £1

Optional equipment. (You don’t need this but I find it is better to have it.)

  • 5 Ltr Demijohn (you can get plastic ones for about £2, or glass ones for about £7)
  • Airlock (£0.84p)
  • Sanitizing powder (£3)
  • Funnel (£1.20)

*All prices are approximate, I have linked where I can.

First off, (If applicable, sanitize all your equipment thoroughly) clean off your work surface then pour out about 2.5 Ltrs of water from your bottle (this will leave enough room for the fermentation process), next grab a saucepan and pour out a further 1 Ltr into it. Put it on the hob and once it has started to heat up add the sugar untill it has all dissolved (You don’t need to boil it, I just find that a little heat speeds up the process).

Once the sugar has dissolved pour it back into the bottle and add the juice. Give it a little mix and next add the yeast & nutrients, (From my homebrew shop I can only buy yeast to make up 25 Ltrs so what I do is empty the packet into a jar and estimate about a 1/5 of the contents, if it’s a little over or a little under it doesn’t matter too much.)

Once all that is done, (*) replace the cap and give it a gentle shake to get things mixed up, but don’t take to long about this as once the yeast begins to work it will release CO2 and you will end up with a gooey mess all over the place. Once you have finished giving it a shake, loosen the cap enough to allow the gas to be released and leave it in a warmish place (Perfect temperature for brewing is between 18- 25C) for about a week, or untill it has stopped bubbling.

* For those of you with a demijohn and airlock place the bung in tight, fill up the airlock with a little water and push it into the bung untill you are sure it is air tight.

Once everything has stopped bubbling, you should be left with a sediment at the bottom of the jar, and sweet, sweet ethyl alcohol in the rest of the jar. It is now ready to drink, all you have to do is siphon or pour the contents into bottles/glasses/your cake hole, just make sure to leave the sediment in the demijohn/bottle (it’s not harmful as far as I am aware but it doesn’t taste very nice).

Now, I know I said you didn’t need equipment for this, but I do recommend investing in a water purifier to filter any potential nasties from your homebrew. I just use a run of the mill Britta water filter for this. Alternatively you can buy ‘activated carbon‘ from your homebrew shop. This needs to be added to your brew before it leaves the demijohn/bottle and allowed to settle before siphoning (although you should expect to lose at least a litre from your final product, in my experience anyway).

Your final product, after filtering, will have lost some of its juicy flavour, which is where your cordial comes in (I like to use summer fruits as it matches the Berry 5 Alive), just add a bit to taste to your brew to take the edge off.

And there you have it, quick, equipment free booze, feel free to thank me in the comments or, of course, if you have any questions as to the method or anything else, just let me know and I’ll answer you as best as I can.

 

PS… DRINK RESPONSIBLY!!!