Things People Never Tell You About Having Children: Part 2 (Blogging 101)

So, todays assignment for Blogging 101 is to expand on a comment I left on someone else’s blog yesterday, with a post today. I left a comment on the lovely Lydia Devadason’s blog regarding her post about her kids valiant attempts to break the bonds of their captivity and conquer the stairgates in their house (check out her post here Her reply was that “there’s usually a small part of you that is slightly proud of these ingenious incidents – and we have a lot of those ‘don’t know whether to laugh or cry’ moments lol”, which has inspired me to write a bit more about ‘Things People Never Tell You About Having Children‘. Things like…

Kids Are Funny As Hell When They’re Learning To Talk.

Once you get past the screaming, and wailing, and blah blah blah-ing of your first baby, you will realise that they are suddenly forming words. Simple stuff like Mama, Dada, Juice, things like that start forming and eventually they will begin to form more complex sentence structure. The fun comes in when their ability to form a sentence over-takes their ability to form words. For example one of my daughters had trouble saying F’s and T’s so the number ‘fourteen’ became ‘whore-een’, which is about a 2 on the funny scale I’ll admit.

But the best example comes from my 2 year-old who, when she was leaving nursery the other day, accidentally bumped into a boy who was also leaving. Now, she loves stickers so she offered him one, trouble is, all her ‘st’ and ‘rs’ sounds come out as D’s. so she knocks the boy over, his mum picks him up, he turns to her and she said what sounded an awful lot like, “Oh, sorry d**khead!”

Now me and my Mrs gave that a 10 on the funny scale, the boys Mum wasn’t too happy, but what can you do? Hope that they start speaking properly sooner? Well that comes with its own perils because…

You Childs Questions Will Be Your Undoing.

Tell me what you see here.

I’m guessing you answered ‘a homeless person’, well you know what your child see’s? Questions, lots and lots of questions. Here is a pop quiz, let me see how you do. Imagine I am 5 years old, imagine I believe in Santa, and that my entire knowledge of how the world works comes exclusively from Peppa Pig.

  • Why is that man on the floor?
  • Why has he got all of his stuff in a trolley?
  • Why does he smell funny?
  • Why doesn’t he have any money?
  • Where is his house?
  • Why doesn’t he have a house
  • Why can’t he stay at our house?

Did you manage to answer the questions without showing the ugly reality of the world to a 5-year-old, while still trying to make sure that they see you as a nice person, or the kind of person that deserves to be a parent? Yeah, they love their questions, but not as much as they love morality. Especially when it comes to…

The Twisted Morality Of Kids TV.

My kids love watching their early morning TV, favourites include, Peppa Pig and Lazy Town but they especially love Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom. If you haven’t got kids then the odds are good that you haven’t watched it. Basically its about two kids, one is an Elf (Ben) the other is a Fairy (Holly), they have a little pet Ladybird called Gaston and they have magical mis-adventures that usually gets resolved by Holly’s teacher Nanny Plum.

Normally it is all the usual crap they have been spouting at children for years ‘Get along with friends’, ‘Respect your elders’, ‘Dont eat glue’ that sort of stuff. But I was watching an episode a couple of weeks ago, and the moral lesson contained within it was ‘Its okay to lie so long as you only do it when you need to exploit someone.’

You see, Nanny Plum had been kidnapped by a Witch, who wouldn’t set her free, so Ben had to go to the King of the Fairies to see if he could help. And by jingo could he help, he know exactly what to do, he went down to see the Witch, and began flirting with her, paying her compliments, and making out that he needed Nanny Plum to cook his dinner for him (even though Nanny Plum was a notoriously bad chef). The Witch was so flattered by the King that she let Nanny Plum go, after this happens Ben says to the King something along the lines of “But you were lying, the witch wasn’t beautiful, she was very ugly, and Nanny Plum can’t even cook!”

To which the King replied “Well Ben, sometimes it’s okay to tell a little lie to make people feel better about themselves, and then they might be nicer to you.”

So yeah King, cheers for that, its okay to lie to people’s faces so long as it gets you what you want.

So there you have it, some more wisdom from a parent, again I could go on and on about this subject, so look out for a part three. All I ask is that you please, just, keep the questions to a minimum, I have had enough of those today and I don’t need any more. 🙂






Things People Never Tell You About Having Children

Some of you who read this will already be parents, others will be expecting, and some will be thinking about bringing another little miracle into the world. Those in the first group will already know what I am going to write about, the other two groups however, read on, because what I am going to tell you comes from the experience of raising 3 kids. And let me tell you, there isn’t a parenting book, class, or forum that will tell you about the random things that crop up when dragging kids into adulthood.

Things like…


Unless you are some kind of spectacular moron then you will be aware that poo and babies go together like booze and hangovers, changing nappies is a disgusting, smelly, and necessary part of the experience. It’s not the poo that’s the problem though , it’s the total indifference you end up feeling about it. You never get used to the smell, ever, but the sight of it becomes so normal you forget what life was like before you were surrounded by faeces. For example, the other day I had to change a dirty nappy, and I realised that a bit of poo had gotten onto the floor, and my hand. So I shrugged, grabbed a wet wipe, cleaned my hand, and picked it up off the floor. I think most parents would say in response, ‘So what’s the big deal?’

Well I’ll tell you what the big deal is. Before I had kids, if I walked into a room and saw that there was poo on the floor, I would literally hold a Spanish Inquisition style round up of my friends, take DNA samples, and find the miscreant who took the offending dump! I would go full CSI on their ass! There is no way in hell I would have shrugged and got on with cleaning it up.

But there does come a point when you realise that kids are totally gross, honestly, they spit, drool, vomit, puke, snot, and wee over EVERYTHING! I can’t remember the last time my sofa wasn’t covered in damp patches of bodily fluid. But if you thought that was as bad as it gets, just wait because…

Kids Are Suicidal Idiots!

Kids are stupid, we all know this, if they weren’t then we wouldn’t need schools. Sometimes their idiocy can be used to your advantage, for example, if I tell my daughter to get into her pyjama’s and she doesn’t want to, she’ll have a tantrum and all hell will break loose. If however, I ask her to get into her, ‘Super Special Magic Princess Pirate Pyjamas’, then she does her Superman impression and in the blink of an eye she is changed and ready for bed.

Other times though, this idiocy manifests itself as a masochistic desire to kill herself in weird and wonderful ways. You can idiot proof your house to the point that everything is covered in bubble wrap, every plug socket is covered, and the only sharp things in the room are in my wardrobe.

But if you turn your back for more than ten seconds, they manage to find rusty nails to poke into their eyes, or a bottles of weedkiller to drink or are fashioning nooses from your comedy, singing ties. It’s like they get fed up with all this breathing nonsense you keep insisting they do and without having a viable way to re-enter the womb, they just decide to off themselves. But it’s not like this idiocy is even confined to children because…

People Will Assume They Can Talk To Your Kids Regardless Of The Situation!

9 times out of 10 I have no problem with people talking to my kids, in fact I encourage it, I think it’s good to push your kids to interact with people so that they learn social skills and that they shouldn’t be afraid of everybody that they meet. Obviously this is done under my supervision, and I am never going to encourage them to chat to the person that owns this van.

The problem is that some people decide it’s ok to chat to my kids even if their interaction is clearly not welcome. Like the other day, I was travelling on a bus with my girls, as it was a 2 hour trip me and my Mrs decided that they should have a nap. So we attempted to get our 2-year-old off to sleep when suddenly an older gentlemen started waving, smiling, and playing games with her. We smiled politely, and let it go.

Then 15 minutes later he was still at it, so we hinted that she was tired, and that we wanted to her to get some sleep.

After another 15 minutes we moved her away, and he continued.

Again, and again, and again.

After an hour of this, my Mrs snapped and said, “Look can you stop, we are trying to get her to sleep!”

The gentleman was obviously put out by this, but, he did eventually stop. What was annoying though, is that he made us feel like we were being a**eholes for asking him to leave our daughter alone. So those are your options, put up with strangers interacting with your kids whenever they feel like it, or, look like an a**ehole when you ask them to stop. But if you think you can just keep your kids closed off to stop this unwanted interaction you soon realise that…

At Some Point Your Going To Have To Let Go!

I see some parents down at the park when I take my kids, and they are hovering over them, making sure their little idiots don’t leap off the highest part of the climbing frame or run in front of a moving swing. To be honest I was like this with my first, and I understand that sometimes it’s because parents separate, so it’s the only time they can really connect with their child. But what I’m talking about is the ‘Helicopter Parent’, the type of parent so terrified of their child ‘breaking’ that they watch their every move.

This type of parenting has got its merits, at least you know that your child will always be ‘safe’, but I find that the child loses something in the process. I have come to the conclusion that a kid needs to learn the limits of their body, be left to interact with other kids without my involvement, and occasionally, take a leap of faith to find out whether they can do something that scares them. Which unfortunately means getting hurt from time to time.

I’m not advocating irresponsible parenting here, obviously I won’t let my daughter do something that will cause permanent damage, or, you know, death or something. But if she falls over and scrapes her knee, it’s not the end of the world, and parenting like this has produced brave and strong girls, who will pick themselves up after a fall and try again with new knowledge about what they can and can’t do.

With all that said, it is still terrifying for me as a parent, allowing them to hurt themselves a little from time to time goes against every natural impulse, but I need to tell myself that I can either allow them to grow up strong and independent, or, I can smother them and have them growing up as the kid who doesn’t talk to class mates and eats paper in the corner.

It’s a no brainer really.

I apologise, I didn’t intend for this post to become Parenting 101, but trust me, I could go on and on about the stuff people don’t tell you about being a parent. Like the creepy way babies decide to stop breathing for up to 15 seconds for no other reason than to f**k with you. But I have gone WAY over the word limit I set myself already and my 3-year-old is trying to lick a battery…….

Kids! Who’d have them?